Readers of my blog often note that, on top of being not safe for work (“NSFW”), my tone is fairly negative. Especially when dealing with terminal diseases like cancer, that can be unsettling or downright offensive when everything and everyone around you not only tells you to keep it all positive, but chastises you if you don’t.
I get that. However …
A long time ago I found that writing about my problems was not only cathartic but left me feeling purged a bit — I was able to exorcise things from my heart and mind through “core dumping” my thoughts and then cleaning them up a bit. The process, from writing to editing, really helped and at times birthed several revelations I never would have had were I just to sit and ponder things internally.
So no, I’m not a “negative” person as the blog would imply — you’re only seeing the Mr. Hyde half here, if that makes sense. Honestly I’m usually walking around thinking of something amusing, not shaking a fist at the sky like the blog probably implies.
That’s not to say I don’t stand by everything here. Sure, it’s negative, bitter, angry at times, frustrated … sound familiar? Because if you have cancer you know these feelings. So maybe you’d never let an f-bomb cross your lips, but you’ve certainly thought “fuck this” when doing a day-long chemo stint or are bent over a toilet wishing you hadn’t let yourself run out of Zofran. Maybe you’ve sat in your car in the oncologist’s parking lot just wanting to freak out in a Tourette-esque blast while punching the steering wheel and crying. Perhaps you’ve sent more than a few silent curses to the sky about it all.
We all feel it — but if you don’t want to admit it, I get that too.
So I’ll do it for you.
See the thing is, and the reason I made this blog public, is that all you can generally find when looking for online support with cancer is super-happy-positive stuff, thoughts soaked to death with religion or people running 800 zillion mile marathons and climbing every mountain in the Himalayas for cancer. And that’s great, but it’s also a small minority, in my experience. The rest of us are out here feeling like we’re doing cancer wrong or something as a result. That can make an already shitty situation even more so, I’ve found.
So here are my thoughts, or at least the serious ones. I use humor to fight the despair (and some MMJ) and I refuse, especially now, to censor myself. I won’t apologize for that, either — if this style bothers you please know I understand, I wish you the best with your fight against Myeloma or whatever else brought you here and the door is —-> that way.
However I hope you enjoy these words, and perhaps even take something from them, even if it’s just that someone else feels like you do.
Please note I am ALWAYS open to chatting with people or being a voice out here to lean on. You can contact me via Twitter (feel free to use DM if you want privacy) or the email address here via the Contact page — seriously, don’t hesitate if you need a fellow Myeloma or cancer friend.