Have you ever seen one of those crazy videos where someone’s mountain biking on the top of a mountain with a sheer drop off either side? I feel like that emotionally today.
Not sure why, really. As far as I know I slept OK, although I woke up soaked in sweat. Felt like hell when my daughter woke me up but that’s the norm now. I get up, make some coffee and when it’s cooled enough take my morning medications with it. 30-60 minutes from then I start feeling “normal,” or at least like I can function at some minimal level. Hit Starbucks on the way to work for more go-juice and have just been sitting here, not really accomplishing much, ever since.
My wife had to help me get my socks on today. That’s embarrassing, but kind of her to offer. I can do it but the yoga involved isn’t fun. No idea what to do about that (my back) … my flexibility is next to nil and I still have daily back pain. I’m afraid if I go for more testing though they’ll find another tumor or fracture and I just don’t want to deal with that right now. That probably seems reckless but it is what it is. The back surgery I can handle but screw getting radiation treatments again.
I’ve at least gotten a few things done today to clean up the to-do list, like a renewal of this new sleep drug (Seroquel) that the mental health folks in Aurora had me try. Still question whether taking anti-psychotics is the way to go for a sleep aid though, especially when the website says to stop using it if you are experiencing sweating, chills, weakness. Might try a night or two without this one come to think of it, now that I’ve ordered a new bottle of course =/ I was on Zyprexa for sleep before too and it’s the same sort of drug I believe.
Ugh, sweating like a pig. I wish I knew what was causing my internal thermostat to freak out like this but I’ve about had enough now. If I’m not sweating I’ve got the chills. There has to be a solution to this somewhere. I’m guessing either the steroids I’m still on (and will be, apparently, for a while) or the stuff I’m using to sleep is causing this. Would kill for a day without soaking through my t-shirt or freezing to death in a 70 degree house though (for most of my life I thought that was actually too warm).
Got my appointments with CBCI set up with the new nurse navigator and got the status of the liver MRI appointment (waiting to be scheduled since it passed approval in finance). I needed to call Nashville about my clinical trial status today, damnit. That’s one thing I have to do tomorrow now, all the contact info is at home.
Wish I could bust these blues today. The last few weeks I’ve felt disconnected, even once the mental wall was rebuilt as the Ambien cleared my system. I know realistically that on a lot of levels that there’s no point to being depressed right now, but I’m having trouble shaking it. I guess it’s just been so long since I’ve felt remotely close to “normal” that it’s weighing too much on me — sick of it. I’d like a day with some energy, no pain, laughs, and not feeling like an outsider in my own life.
I think part of it lately is it seems like a huge portion of my life is spent dealing with this — like all of it, lately. Forgetting for a second the never-ending appointments and trips downtown to the oncology clinic, just the day-to-day constant reminders of the disease — the pain, the pharmacy’s worth of pills I have to take every day, feeling like shit, the depression, the constant anxiety about every little weird physical thing, yada yada yada.
I cannot express how much I envy people without cancer their blissful ignorance of this existence or the lack of these things that they are allowed to take for granted.
Anyways, hopefully the social worker I talked to Friday will come through soon with a list of therapists I can get in touch with, because this has got to change.