Stuck in the middle with you (and $10k of Revlimid)

An email I had to send to my oncology team’s nurse navigator today regarding Revlimid (AKA “Rev”).  Please put this song on before reading:

So non-funny story.

(1) I talked to Accredo or whoever the specialty pharmacy is I get the Rev from a few weeks ago about how when this bottle of 15 mg Rev is done do NOT send me any more as a new order will be prescribed with a different dosage.

(2) Accredo calls my wife, who was not privy to this, and has HER go through all the Celgene surveys, listen to the nurse, etc. and Fedex’s out the 15 mg.

(3) I find out that night and immediately call but it’s too late.  Person on phone and I agree I’ll just not sign for it and it will go back to Accredo, as I’m concerned that BC/BS will not allow them to send me a newer dosage if I have a bottle already at whatever un-Godly price per pill they are charging now and/or this bottle will be a waste.

(4) I get an email the next day that I signed for the delivery (I was not home, nor was wife, neighbors, squirrels, etc.).

(5) I call Accredo and let them know, a rep from whom then (after talking to supervisor) informs me I should just hold onto the bottle, they can’t take something back after it’s left the warehouse, and that the insurance company should be OK with another order being sent if it’s at another dosage level.

These people are all insane to me and I’m pretty sure I got the Fedex driver fired — I’d feel bad but I can’t tell you the # of times I’ve begged them to just drop off my meds and they refuse due to the signature thing, causing me to miss work, have to drive somewhere to get the drugs, re-delivers, sending to office instead, yada yada yada.

Sooo … I have a full bottle of 15mg Rev now.  If Team Awesome (you folks) wants me to go to 10mg a day or what we had previously discussed I’ll need that new ‘script soonish. Or I can continue at 7.5mg every other day, or up it to 15mg again if a comparison of my #’s @ 15mg were appreciably better than now. Obviously it’s all up to ya’ll.  If someone could let me know by my appointment on Friday I’d appreciate it! Think I’m down to 5ish pills, so 10 days at current regimen.

Appreciate you as always,

-[REDACTED]

Clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right indeed.

Incoming rant. Magic 8 Ball, will there be F-bombs?

*shake shake shake*

“You may rely on it.”

Beyond what I said in that email, what irritates me is now it’s MY fucking problem. I spend the majority of my time trying to reduce responsibilities and stay out of the middle of drama so I can spend my limited energy on important and positive things like my daughter, but sure enough, here I am in the middle again. Thanks, jerks. Because what every cancer patient needs is more stress, much less a married one with two sets of parents living in the same state that don’t get along but since mine are the pain in the ass I get to navigate every holiday (like Mother’s Day) like a corpsman on a battlefield and deal with the PTSD afterward. Because you know, let’s have the fucking cancer patient deal with our bullshit, right?

Sorry, apparently I had some hidden aftershocks coming from this past weekend of family juggling. Anyways …

What’s more, I also appreciate (BZZZZTTTTT) the amazing sense of guilt that has descended over me due to this. Here I am linking articles about, commenting about and participating in chats and DM’s about the drug companies and their ridiculous drug prices and now I’m put in the position of potentially wasting what I believe is the most expensive cancer drug on the market when there are real human beings out there dying due to not having it. I have a guilt problem, granted, but this just takes it to a new level. Not like my treatments are doing a goddamn thing for me anyways based on the numbers and how I feel but I always feel guilty about having “Cadillac” insurance. Yeah I worked hard for it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to stomach that others don’t have that privilege or the medicine and quality of care they need. Everyone deserves “Cadillac” treatment … we’re fucking human beings FFS, what could be more important than our fellow travelers in this shitshow?

Now throw this on that pre-existing pile o’ guilt. Can’t wait until I get home tonight so I can sprint to Rich’s Cancer Safe for a Xanax like I usually sprint to pee when getting home after sitting in traffic.

Oh but that isn’t even all of it. I also now have this voice in my head telling me that, while I KNOW my oncology team will choose the option best for me, there’s no possible way the fact that I have a bottle of the wrong dosage isn’t going to enter into what we do about this.

God damnit man.

All I can think of to do at this point, assuming I do change dosages, is to find out from the oncologists if there’s someone I can just give it to that doesn’t have the insurance coverage I do and let them have it. I can’t keep this. It’s a sealed bottle that’s still inside the bio-hazard warning bag inside a never-opened Fedex envelope. If that doesn’t work I don’t know what to do — I’d give it away on Twitter but all I need is for someone to take it and then misuse it or have an adverse reaction and sue me into oblivion.

Look universe: somehow you gave me this disease. I’m still angry about that due to what it’s taken and will take away from me, but who knows? Maybe I die in a car accident tonight on the drive home and the cancer isn’t even a factor. So I forgive you, even though I hate you and wish I had your address so I could Fedex you (SIGNATURE REQUIRED) some trained genital-gnawing wolverines. Daily. But really, knowing that I may survive this and die to something totally unrelated I try to be pragmatic and positive in my own snarky dark humor sorta way. I take all of my drugs, I go to all of my appointments, and I’m as proactive as I know how to be with my own care. And now I’m trying to get out there and help others, even if it’s just giving them a Twitter-bound virtual hug.

I don’t even ask for much: I’ll take your fucking nausea, your “fatigue” (*snarls while pointing at previous entry*), your bone pain, Dex pretty much ruining my marriage, the drug-related weight gain, the friends I’ve lost, the dreams I’ve had to give up, the sacrifices and things I’ve lost so far in my daughter’s life, yada yada yada. I try not to complain, taking it all in one day at a time just like everyone other Doomed cancer-riddled fucker on this rock. And you know what, you cruel bastard?  I can still smile. In fact I can laugh with the best of them and do my damndest to make others laugh too, even about something as brutal as Myeloma.

I’ll be your Huckleberry, you monstrous prick.  Just give me a fair shot at 12 1/2 more years to watch my 5 1/2-year-old grow up.

AND STOP.

FUCKING.

WITH.

ME.

ENOUGH ALREADY.

End o’ rant.

Author: uwfacepalm

Father, husband, portfolio manager, cancer victim (multiple myeloma since 2013). Trying to navigate this goddamn disease as best I can while enjoying what time I have left via those relationships, friends, the UFC, gaming, MMJ, diving and helping teach it before this all went down as a PADI Assistant Instructor and a Dive Guide at the Denver Aquarium (well, before my white blood cell count went to shit thanks to the chemo/disease).

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