Now four years into this shitshow I’ve decided that the word “fatigue” is my least favorite side effect description. Fatigue? Fatigue is what you get when you’ve had too much sun at the Derby party.
“Oh Rhett, ah do declare that I’m a tad fatigued! Can you find the negro for some more mint juleps whilst ah retire indoors?”
Sorry, that’s how I envision Derby parties: a bunch of white Southern-accented racists in stupid hats. Your mileage may vary.
“Fatigue” is too dainty (another word I associate with Derby party-goers) a word, and it’s woefully inadequate in describing the narcolepsy-esque exhaustion I’ve had from either/both my disease and the various chemotherapies. Which I bring up because since I started Dara, my hemoglobin is so low that I’ve had 4 transfusions in the last few months. In fact I’m typing this in on my phone (ugh) from an infusion room chair while waiting for some CBC results to see if I need another … I’ve been dead on my feet all week.
And on that note while dealing with the extreme pit of narcissism that is my mother on the phone I was just told my first blood samples, which they took again due to what they thought was a clot in the tubes, weren’t actually clotting in the tubes. It was that there’s apparently so much protein in my blood it appeared to be clotted.
Bought the kiddo a stuffed animal from the gift shop while I waited for a hastily-scheduled transfusion appointment. I know my wife thinks I spoil my daughter but there’s a purpose beyond just loving to give her stuffed animals — I think it helps when I’m delayed at appointments in the hospital or oncologist to bring her something fun to turn the experience positive. My logic is simply that in doing so, I can hopefully erase any negative connotations for her right now with all of this. She has been taught about death, and she knows I’m sick, but she hasn’t put the two together yet.
I just can’t go there with her quite yet — not only does she not have the maturity at 5 to really come to grips with this, I don’t think, but I had to soften it somehow since we obviously had to talk to her about it. Between the constant doctor visits and people (irritatingly) talking about it in adult terms in front of her, it’s not like she didn’t know something was up but more importantly we were afraid she’d think I had something she could catch. I’ll just take those tears for her in the meantime and she can have a stuffed animal instead of worrying daily that daddy won’t be coming home that day.
Speaking of tears, I’m not a giant fan of trying to hide them in an infusion center so I’m out. Have fun, hug the loved ones and thank you, whoever gave this, for donating the blood I needed today. And I’m sorry for what I and some of Colorado’s finest medicinal plant life are going to do to said blood after the kiddo goes to sleep tonight when I try to relax and erase this goddamn day from my brain.
Oh but to end on a laugh, whenever something happens to me that’s a surprise (like this transfusion) my mind immediately goes to this, one of my all-time favorite memes. Enjoy …