So here we are, last night (knock on wood) of the in-patient portion of VRD-PACE. Yeah I’m about ready to go stir crazy here so good timing.
Honestly, and kind of strangely, I’ve been in a really good mood all week. I’m walking a lot more than I usually do in the hospital (granted, I’ve been in 6-7 times in the last year for respiratory stuff and walking was not on MY top 5 list on those trips), cheerful. Mostly bored, really. I think the hardest part of this has been a combination of the steroids and the isolation — for all that I and others were worried about side effects, those apparently come next week. This week at Presbyterian St. Luke’s has mostly been about keeping occupied and not nauseous.
Although if you’re going to do inpatient chemo for 4 nights and 5 days, do it RIGHT. Please note the following picture will offend and perhaps increase nausea in the Doomed who can’t look at any non-raw non-GMO non-vegan non-flavorful meal. Or Darth Vader:
The despecialized (un-re-edited) version of Star Wars and a 12″ from Fat Sully’s. Probably not the best anti-nausea fighter. Or the healthiest meal. Or the easiest to eat in a hospital bed, for that matter.
Hey when you live sort of in the sticks, being downtown with 3rd party delivery service is like a dream come true. Had a wicked bowl o’ ramen last night with some pork buns.
So yeah, not too bad really. The steroids have been the hardest medication to deal with so far. Forty milligrams a DAY of Dex has taken me beyond restless leg syndrome and into a Steve Martin comedy bit.
Once I get to sleep I can stay there like a zombie, but being a night owl it’s soooo hard to actually get to sleep here for me. Trying an Ambien tonight … not a giant fan but I really cannot take another night of 40 laps around the onco-ward all tired but so jittery I can’t shut my brain off.
Also thanks to all those who swore to sneak me in some, erm, greener products. Appreciate and I love you but probably best if I don’t get booted out of the hospital, lulz.
Had some visitors today which was awesome (thanks!) and … I dunno what else, really. This much time in a hospital all flows together until you aren’t sure what day it is and whether you’re coming or going, you know? I play games, watch movies off the home theater PC on the laptop and try not to puke. I almost got caught today, that sudden salivation feeling you get, but the nurses responded so quick it was laughable. They really have been great here: Julia, Tara, Campbell, Shasta, Rita, Kellie (note to self, check that list). I have to come in Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (FFS) for appointments so I’ll bring them something special.
You spend a lot of time thinking in the hospital, or at least I do. I’ve been wondering lately if cancer is just how we die now. In lieu of being eaten by saber-toothed tigers maybe this is the “new normal?” It’s hard to argue with some of the startling facts you find of incidence rates these days. Granted I would prefer, given the choice, of going in a slightly more pleasant way, but perhaps this is what we have to get used to. I can accept that, I think. In fact really the only cancer that truly gets me down, that I have no defense against, is childhood cancer. As mentioned before it’s just too goddamn much, too unfair.
I’m also having trouble not falling into the sheer hate aimed at the GOP lately. I try to see the best in folks, if I have time, but it’s been really tough for me lately. I’ve always been a fiscal conservative and socially moderate agnostic, so I left the parties behind decades ago to force them to market better candidates to me.
Yeah, we see how well that plan worked out.
Seriously though — I’m reading an article today about some Washington Congresswoman and you just know, you KNOW, that if one of her three kiddos was diagnosed with our special sort of fun she’d be the first in line voting NO on this crap. Instead she’d be out sponsoring bills for medical marijuana, better healthcare, etc.
It’s just so fucking selfish, and as I come closer to the end — even if not a cancer-based one, who knows? — I find that flavor of selfishness so fucking disgusting that I just want to slap these people back to reality. Why can’t they leave what’s in place there and just FIX it? That gets you re-elected. This scorched Earth policy is not. And as I reach further out from this little room on Twitter and Facebook and read story after heartbreaking story it becomes harder to control my disappointment and anger. Representative government, indeed.
If we don’t try to keep each other healthy, what’s the fucking point? To die with the most toys like some Egyptian pharaoh? For the love of the Almighty (whatever), c’mon already.
I don’t get it. And I apologize, for what it’s worth, for being a tiny bit political here — this week’s isolation has brought it out of me a bit on Twitter and I don’t like it.
Anywho, going home tomorrow night — my 24-hour chemos end at 4-5ish pm and then I’ll … well, “bolt” is a bad word for being released into southbound 5 pm Friday traffic, but I’ll be bolting as much as I can =) I miss my daughter and wife, the comfort of their hugs. How they smell. That sheer “rightness” of being home with them where I am supposed to be. I wish Mischief was there to greet me too but that’s a story for another time.
Talk to you soon and thanks for the kind DM’s on Twitter, comments here and other stuff — it means more than, well, actually it means what most of you already know. but it’s pretty new to me so thanks and hugs.