Tough week, and a hard day.
Had my first therapy session in several months today — my therapist has been checking on me on a weekly basis and we did an abbreviated phone session while I was in Arizona, but we finally got back together today. Not a fun session — I’m a mess today, for a variety of reasons, and the walls just crumbled. Dealing with a frustrating problem at work that has dominated my time this week (and will do so tomorrow) which isn’t helping.
I noted during the session that in some ways cats have been a bigger support system for me than people are — not sure if that’s a trust issue or what, but like I’ve noted here before I just get along better with animals, I think. She said that was a lot more common than I might think, but seemed disappointed, or at least saddened, that I didn’t feel like there was anyone out there I could lean on. I know that seems unfair to people in my life, at least 1-2 or whom would be happy to step up; I just am not capable of having that kind of relationship with people. It’s depressing, in a lot of ways.
One thing I noticed while talking to her that I hadn’t consciously realized until today was that my appearance right now (bald) is bothering me so much because it’s a constant reminder of what I now am — I look like I expect a cancer patient to look (well except for my eyebrows still being there). My wife has noted that nobody notices my haircut (lack thereof) when I’m out because so many people shave their heads these days, yet I have still felt self-conscious. I guess it’s more that it’s me externalizing (internalizing?) how I feel about this path I’m on and the one I’ve lost.
The unfortunate net/net of my therapy session is a conclusion I’ve drawn several times in the past — that I’m not “suffering from depression,” but am dealing, as normally as possible, with amazingly depressing things. Not that that is some major epiphany, it simply “is.” I mentioned that outside of my daughter I’m having severe trouble finding anything that brings me real joy lately, that can break through this fucking cancer cloud, so my homework for the next two weeks is to focus on that and try to figure it out.