Been quiet because there hasn’t been much change recently. I hang here at the villa all day, every day, although it’s not too bad. Quiet, peaceful, and my family is here, so I don’t really want for anything.
Had the first really “bad” night last night, which is a shame because Saturday I was doing well. Couldn’t sleep last night and started feeling nauseous around 4 am, and then the dark thoughts just crept in and finished the job. I guess I’ve been in recovery mode so hard it didn’t occur to me until the dark hours last night that I most likely still have cancer and for all I know the transplant did nothing. I know that’s defeatist thinking, just came out of nowhere. I’ve had a pretty good attitude, surprisingly, leading up to this morning so it caught me unawares.
Ah well. I was expecting ups and downs, so I shouldn’t be surprised when they happen. I have 4 appointments left and then hopefully we’ll be heading home in a week. The thought seems strange, somehow. I crave nothing more than the normalcy of my old life but I just don’t think it exists anymore.